The day before yesterday was one last long pull on that loose tooth… one more big ache in the ugly part of the world of the left behind. I went to do metal recycling, to the landfill and the guy came to take away Michael’s precious veggie oil. In all cases it was depressing and I didn’t handle it well.
Yesterday though I made a long trip to Buck’s Lake to take in the Beauty… the smell and fall color before the snows come. We had never really explored the Wilderness Area there and so it is now high on my To Do list for the spring. There are also a lot of interesting signs for places one can only imagine. On our last visit we skied in in late winter and just had a fairly straight forward experience except M got ill in the night and I paused at that turn-out to reconnect with how scary that was–to support myself in the memory of some of the illness.
It was good to get in touch with what I need to do to more fully experience the wild country I want to continue visiting. I have to first get over this sciatica which makes every step painful but then get aerobic capacity back and also get back into yoga for balance if I’m going to be out there alone, except for Selkie. I also want to plan my trips more carefully… that was a lot of driving (the tank only about one third bio-diesel at this point.) It is my determination that it is worth the money to stay in lodges, inns, etc rather than be out in the wet and cold… This is the new Michael-less me who knows exactly what a wimp she is.
One thing I did attempt..with the thought I could avoid the congestion in Oroville.. was to go via Four Trees down to Hwy 70. It was a one lane asphalted road in fair condition and it was late afternoon with today’s storm already flattening out the light on the beautiful deciduous shrubs and trees. I was in my heart center and could feel a light veneer of a second consciousness supporting my process… it was the entity who had been Michael embracing my spirit. When I got to the big conundrum at Coyote Gap (the Forest Service had closed the road but not bothered putting anything about it at the turn off…) and there were four roads to choose from I just knew to go back but didn’t get home until well after dark… We always used to say when we took a turn that led to who-knows-where, “This is where the adventure begins.” I can’t afford that degree of carefreeness anymore and even going off the main road was gamble enough without my own personal mechanic beside me in physical form anymore.
I’m still waxing on about “last year at this time.” Today is Halloween, Samhain, the great Celtic Harvest-ending transition between summer and winter, light and dark… when the veil is said to be thinnest. I’m so grateful to be inside and comfortable with Selkie here with me as the rain has held a steadily welcomed beat since before noon. Soon I’ll carve my solo pumpkin and set it outside for the eyes of the night. In the meantime, it was such a great time with my Brother and his hiking buddy Ed last year in Escalante… the light of dawn and dusk there held me in such joy. I’ve been blessed… so grateful also to be done with the essential outside clean up so I can focus on a slower process of what comes next with more balance. Love and Light to all Ancestors– my mom and dad and grandparents and for Michael’s family who have gone on– his parents and brother. In each candle, in each breath giving Thanks for the impermanence of now and the comfort of these moments in between without desire or need, only presence.