So others have been dying too. Luisa’s mom and Heidi’s Jimmy and Shelly’s sister. I have no right to hold any stage on this issue. I’m going to end the blog after Day of the Dead… just get me that far.
A woman who has breast cancer and liver mets, who has decided not to seek treatment said, “I don’t want to trigger your grief.” Can you imagine being that thoughtful and sensitive when you are facing it yourself so clearly?
Was I a little resentful when I saw one of M’s chemo nurses having a great time somewhere? Geez!
Do I have any way of commemorating the one year anniversary without thinking about those difficult days? Before this I could do the “this time last year” thing with the warmth of good memories. Now we enter into the time of difficult memories that I don’t really want to revisit. They hang there like discarded clothes left out in the rain on pegs, distorted and colorless. I don’t want to take them down to look at but maybe some will break though in the next two weeks.
I have a plan that is completely but vaguely outlined. I’ll go to the Endzone (9/22- the day it was absolutely confirmed that he was actively dying and our 12 wedding anniversary,) even though it will be a Tuesday without football (I don’t care about football but it would be good if there was football.) Then I’ll go up to walk on Mt. Shasta for three days, camping as I wander. Then I have to come home to reenter the world for our Campaign Nonviolence event at the hands on Sept. 26th. Then, the next day… the one year anniversary of his death I’ll either pull out all my photos and have a day of silence alone or maybe some friends will come by for a circle… I don’t know if that will happen.
The pain is not there right now. I was grateful for the day… it was cool and we had sprinkles. I was supposed to work but found out last night I didn’t have to… like a kid I felt like I was playing hooky. A no agenda day… although I did sneak in a meeting. Yesterday we had a fundraiser for winter shelter for the local homeless people and that was really fun and today I helped with clean-up. Certainly not an exciting day but I felt no pressure from my own relentless inner driver and that was good enough.
I hate that other loved ones are dying and that Michael is slipping away as other friends go through what I did with that excruciating pain of loss. It does no good to ask why this gathering tide of souls is being swept off the shoals of life… the only meaning in it all is personal- to live honestly with mortality without forgetting or letting one’s mood be soured by it… maybe making the whole birth to death thing like a big, crazy beautiful and grateful period we know we can’t keep. I no longer hold any patent on it and although I know I’ll never really give up missing Michael I’m going to close the window of my thoughts that has to express about it all the time… after.. after I get through this next little time that has the big hurdle in it.