the heat

We had such a long spring but only a few days into true summer heat I’m wondering how this will work out. Selkie’s hair is growing back but it is still only about an inch long. She woke me up panting with a respiratory rate of over a hundred, I kid you not. I’ve told the vet about this but didn’t get much feedback. I tried putting a fan on her, putting her out on the porch where it is quite comfortable and finally gave her a Benadryl to knock her out… since she wasn’t sleeping with her distressed breathing. She’s still breathing fast but it’s through her nose now and she’s relaxed and asleep lying on the floor next to my chair. How are we going to make it through the summer?

I had another of my bad man experiences today. I took my electric bike battery pack in and the guy kept saying he didn’t have time to get to it so on the third day he finally opened it, determined one of the batteries wasn’t holding a charge and convinced me to buy three new 12 volt batteries and he put them in the sequence for me and all was good except it was expensive. Then I went home and put them on the charger and nothing… so I let it ride for an hour and still nothing then brought the battery pack back to him to trouble shoot what connection was bad… I brought the charger with me. He did not appear to have any customers but said he had no time, he would give me my money back and basically I would have been back to square zero… I argued with him that he needed to complete this and he was a jerk about it but I left the thing there and now am in the limbo of not knowing if it will be fixed or not. I left there having to cry and repeat mantras of what is good in my life to keep me from despair… not every single guy has been a complete wash in terms of helping me complete things. Zenon has been wonderful… he recently got the swamp cooler on the roof uncovered and ready to go and Dan, from KZFR, has almost finished painting the back of the cab over– it actually matches the old paint. I think the lingering thing with Tony not doing the truck trade hours, my endless indecision about how to get rid of things… being so stoppered up about how to sell stuff… it’s causing me to short out like out of synch batteries.

I feel like maybe I need to try an anti depressant. I’m isolating. Feeling so out of energy with this life I have- despite all that is good about it. Wanting to push it aside for something that wears on me less. A friend told me has cancer┬átoday and that he has the same oncologist Michael did…that almost gave me a panic attack… it was almost worse than hearing his diagnosis. My palette is flat and my motions are limited. I feel stuck in a web of my own sticky hot sorrow. Roosters are crowing, it’s almost five. Flora is coming in three hours for our “work day”… she’ll help me with discerning what to do with more of M’s stuff but I’m dreading posting that cab over now… moment of truth pending. Can I really sell something on Craig’s List? My ineptitude is absolutely numbing… I feel like a pillar of salt… so stuck. More men coming to look at stuff… it’s almost terrifying.. I can’t stand any more of them taking advantage of me yet I know it will keep on like this until I either climb out of my victimhood or find some miracle person to just get me through this selling the “big stuff” stage. And there’s always completing the Tony truck trade… how will that end. I can’t even put a question mark on it…it’s just a conundrum to me. Sun Wizard -Poudre 018