I have been absolutely dreading tomorrow. Now I must face it. Tomorrow is another day that looms large for me. It’s the day we would have celebrated his birthday but now he has ceased to grow old, ceased to stay even three months ahead of me. It’s the day for burying bony dust as the winds here in central Utah bluster and dust sweeps everywhere and the temperature plumets.
Warren and I have had such good days. We hiked three slot canyons, hiked down into the very deep Horseshoe Canyon, wandered down to Hite and up to Mt. Ellen and round to the Notom Rd and the Burr Trail to the top of the Waterpocket Fold. I know he’s starting to think about work… all the work he’s falling behind on. We have slogged in hot sun and deep sand, laughed and feasted and swapped photos of incredible views and funny photos of each other. It’s been a wonderful time with my dear brother but tomorrow is the day… the reason he came out here.
I don’t know what to do or how to do it. I feel teary and lost when I’m by myself… I don’t think it matters and yet it matters too much. I want to claim sacred space… so elements, atoms, molecules or soul… becoming life again or dispersed to the universe will have acknowledgement and deepest love and appreciation even if no conscious being exists to receive. I don’t feel I do it only for me. I love Michael into deepest space and time even as we are separated, maybe forever. The stillness of the canyons has been good for me… there’s nothing beyond the sensing in the moment and I think in silence I will have to create and listen to whatever is needed that is available to me.