There is no more us. I carry M in my heart but I can’t have him in the living of my life. I’m learning to just live. The sadness is at bay. The Love hovers near. The year that we tried to survive and were beaten by death is ending. Most of 2014 was a good year… we lived it fully and with only short times of trauma until the very end which seemed to steamroll us, in retrospect. Observing the 49 days helped me to listen and experience what was needed at that time. Now I expect a continuum but also a huge leap of newness to evolve. I feel ready and clear as this year, my last year with my dear Michael draws to a close. (I look at this photo and still can’t believe he is permanently and irretrievably gone… this disconnect may continue for quite awhile I surmise.)
I am so grateful to Life that gave me the Opportunity for a Great Love. This Amazing Man!
I’m in Arcata. The ride over reminded me of so many times we had come to the coast and the different stops we’d made. All the memories coming up of place and experiences. I guess it will be that way a lot here in the north state, our stomping ground.
There is nothing profound in me to say at the last minutes of 2014. I moved my wedding rings to my right hand… no reason. I just did. I would give anything to have this year back… to try to do things differently so he’d still be with me but it isn’t offered and can’t be taken. It’s over.
I’m staying with Angela and Raymond… my dear old eccentric friends and it is very cold these days… thus the old world get ups… the folks in the old countries knew how to do cold…
Their kids have become wonderful musicians.. the house is full of remarkable music. I’m staying out in their “chocolate shed” hearing the first of the fireworks as the New Year approaches. Today we went to the beach at low tide. All the light, land, waves and sky kissing and caressing one another without turmoil except for the sharpness of the winter day. I really can not know what the context of our lives will be… what will happen in the world but I commit to kindness. To being alive in the time I have. To staying conscious. What words I might share are not coming to me in these very last minutes…. there is such a strong urge back to pull Michael from his unseen grave and such a strong knowledge that the journey to recover a loved one is only the stuff of myth. I’m here. It’s midnight. Our years have separated.