Michael only seems elusive because I don’t think of him all the time and then when I do I get a little shock…not like a cattle prod but enough. I don’t know where my ordinary mind thinks he is but it has not sunk in all the way that he is really dead and gone.
Today was my 67.5 unbirthday and two letters came from the V.A. One was for 300$ for funeral expenses and one was for a 30% disability back payment for his PTSD claim. They denied the Agent Orange, which was expected. All of this has left me slightly stunned.
One thing of note is that people continue to make assumptions about how I must be feeling and it is absolute truism that I want to debunk, at least for this widow woman. The current Assumption is that the Holidays are a hard time after loss. No, not this year. It’s been Orien’s 34th birthday then on Christmas morning we had the neighbors (and some other folks) over for waffles then had the Bird Tree then went to a movie before a lovely big home cooked vegetarian dinner. If I were alone then Yes, I suppose so, but luckily I wasn’t. Today, after a few hours of some vigorous work around the land I got to be with Orien and Keith to hear about the hot air balloon ride they took this morning and got to go wine tasting with my old friend Bill Helmer to New Clairvaux in Vina.
Energetically I’ve felt a lot of pressured momentum which may just be some distortion of the Solstice energy. I have some desire for a more mellow flow within myself and less of a driven sensation. I’m in the moment but it is very syncopated and staccato which is somewhat discomforting. It’s not that way all the time but enough.
I’m going over to the coast. My first time away by myself, although I’ll be with old friends. It’s like I’m my own version of Pygmalion. I’m tentative with the raw clay of my becoming.