Every thing seems to be swirling.. a beloved dog is at the vet right now for some sort of concerning weakness. A beautiful wedding was held out on the Riparia land yesterday while I was inside meditating for the second week of Michael’s death. People say, Give yourself a hug and I say, there will be plenty of time for that when they put the straightjacket on…
The reason I say that is because of all the sorting through Michael’s things…it’s been unabated. Yesterday the thing that pulled me through (I was working alone on it…finding things that were sentimental to me but also just a constant confusion of What is this? and is this old can of X something someone would want?) Anyway, as I tossed things in the garbage or for the toxics and sorted others into piles to try to sell or to keep I was completely calmed by billboard words our friend Sisko put up some years ago, NOTHING ISN’T SACRED. Of course, slow down. Be present with the things… don’t relate to them like some sort of masochistic torture program… That really worked for me. Cleaned out a lot of the suffering.
Yesterday was also significant for the unspooling effect… I actually worked the day before! Saw 33 women over eight and a half hours and was on my feet all day, wearing my orthotics after a summer of flat-footing in my sandals. Yesterday I hurt all over and had a wonderful massage from Sharon Fisher down in Durham. She does a good process to release tension in the lower back and it really worked BUT then the pain seemed to migrate into my feet and other joints so last night I took a tylenol with codeine before going to my friend Weezie’s for (delicious!) soup and a movie. At her house I drank wine… not a lot but definitely enough to be rather floaty on my bike ride home. This morning Marge (who “lost” her husband two years ago,) came over and I made our (Michael and my) traditional Sunday breakfast of waffles, fruit and yoghurt. I feel like all these people and all these interventions I have for myself are therapeutic, although I have to watch it with the alcohol. What hasn’t helped is contradictory advice– one friend says write for yourself but throw it away later.. another says, let it all pour out. One friend says, look up the prices of M’s stuff and then price it at a half or lower another says, take any amount another says, don’t bother sorting it– just give it all to the Re-store (Habitat for Humanity.) All that is the opposite of the unspooling.. its having to consider based on opinions that all have equal and unprovable parallel outcomes.
We had plenty of that while Michael had cancer. There is a huge marijuana-will-heal anything contingent here. We also tried a Rife (sp?) machine. We tried alkaline water and mushrooms. We tried acupuncture. We tried Global Cures’ recommendations. Basically, we tried.
Now, sitting here with my old lady aches and pains I acknowledge the fullness of this day with all that is held within it. Within myself I acknowledge the momentum I have established and the discomfort of the “have to keep going” nature of that momentum. The wholeness of my heart center, embracing Michael and us as a couple severed by death, two separate categories. Me stilled up for this brief interlude at this table– grateful to be in a beautiful place with squirrels madly dashing around on the roof but sagging with sadness… concurrently. All over, completely here yet tipping already into the next moment.