No second guesses

guy with booksWe got rid of as much as Michael’s stuff as we could. There were good moments like this when a Latino guy bought the whole box of books demonstrating a real appreciation for the physical arts Michael had mastered. Other moments when I actually was squirming out of my skin to sell something that he had labored long, hard and expensively on for not much more than pennies.

I have many to give Thanks to for their help and will try again tomorrow on facebook. Today when Kathy and I were sorting into metal recycling, Habitat for Humanity ReStore, toxics and garbage I was again feeling the loss. It’s like a loss of worth. When all the nails aren’t sorted they are worthless. When there is any rust they are worthless. When nobody knows what a thing is it is worthless. When the thing isn’t on an acceptable list it becomes “toxic” when before it was worth something. When there is just too much of the thing, like tubes of spackle, it’s toxic too. If Michael was here those things would all be embraced back into the shed with me kicking and screaming about it… now it’s all about release. Release…why doesn’t it feel better? I guess it will but then much of the stuff didn’t sell and seemed too valuable (although not personally to me,) to kick to the curb with the plumbing, electrical, hardware and toxics that is going for a ride tomorrow. It IS back in the shed waiting for what? Another yard sale?

The yard sale experience wasn’t so bad… many good people helped and many good people shopped but there is the stranger in our midst phenomenon and also the exchange of money and the long, long hours. Tony and I put in over two weeks on this. IMG_0138IMG_0151It just isn’t something I can repeat. I think the plan will be when  a non-profit has a yard sale I’ll drop some of my manna into their mix for a little donation karma. What really, after all, is my rush?

Why don’t I feel better? Why do I feel so sad? What can I do to shift out of this damnable mood? I’ve worked so hard and have a pile of money on the table… money I really needed and now I feel so bad… how ungrateful I am! I can’t fathom a solution and just need to take a shower and go to bed.

First, before I whine off, photos from this day a year ago… the North Rim of the Grand Canyon with death far far away and M a practicing condor at the Vermillion Cliffs.

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