Freaked out

I’m completely freaked out.. being present to my anxiety and holding it within my wholeness. The rain started a few hours ago but what woke me was the wind. At first I couldn’t find my head lamp or anything resembling a flash light. I took down my laundry and found some (good) batteries and found the headlamp right under my nose. Once outside it started to rain and so first I tarped and then hammered in tent pegs on the canopies.

Selkie had an anxiety attack without me and woke Orien who wandered out half asleep to help me. She’s now gone off in search of bagels and cream cheese to bring back for the people who are helping me this morning. Lee got here at who knows when. She says there are 4 cars out there and people wandering the land… this really almost scares me. Who would arrive in the rain and gloom at 7:30 for a yard sale that starts at 9am and then demand to be let in as Lee said one was doing?

I feel like going back to bed. Covering my head with blankets and re-emerging when Michael gets home.

Candles are lit. It is the third week anniversary of his death. He would be glad it is raining… not to spite my yard sale of his stuff but because we need the rain. Morning birds like a trilling wren are out after the lost sounds of the geese in the swirling darkness when I first went out. I’m just going to stay at the computer and hide until someone or the clock moves me out.

Sheldon just brought his coffee maker. Everyone has been so good to me! Yesterday poor Tony had a melt-down and stormed off leaving me with about five minutes of despair until Mark showed up and he and Zenon put up tarps then later Christine, David and Lydia came by and helped Bob and Chuck put up canopies. By last night it looked like a fairy encampment if you looked from outside the gate. Now it looks like a sodden pile of tarps under soaked canopies… assuming they are still there. The winds are supposed to gust to 50 MPH today! (At least being under English walnut trees provides a good break on the full effect of the wind.)

Last year we were traveling and were in Arizona temporarily before looping back up into Utah. Here is a photo from this date last year just to calm me and help me think of sweeter times.

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5 thoughts on “Freaked out

  1. Sharon North says:

    You are loved. By Michael, by you, by me, by your community. It’s okay to freak out. BTW – S&S has a nice supplement for anxiety. Chamomile tea really does work. It was nice to hug you in person today. And yes, he probably sent the rain! This is sad. The sky is crying.

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    • I think I got what I needed– some naproxyn and tumeric and something like a TENS unit that Guthrie bought on her way out here from Vt. All that stress culminated in a big pain in the butt… sciatica city! Now I can feel myself transitioning out of the worst of it. Love you Sharon. Hugs, Chris

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  2. tinam1 says:

    Hi Chris – I can imagine it must feel very strange to see Michael’s beloved material stuff be translated into the currencies of others’ values… valuable, not valuable, toxic, broken, etc etc. Yard sales are strange anyway… & yes, ppl do arrive way early, wanting to get 1st pick. But I think a LOT of the materiel will serve other ppl, & that is good. I really enjoyed being among Mike’s stuff, in that space, the other day, seeing where his head was at w/ his tools & lumber & all. & seeing Tony channel him too, one Aries builder to another.~~~ This is a very big wave you are on, i guess one just has to surf it. Some ‘stuff’ you do have… really, really wonderful memory photos — ppl who love you — community — letting worth & value pass through to others as they build or repair. i just think this takes time, a lot of time. Healing play/healing skills/healing experiences & time. xo

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